Post 14

Your recovery is speeding up Rul. Azrul sudah mula makan bubur sikit, atupun kena suapkan. Every Umi dan Wafi lawat Azrul, same goes to you family, Fadil and your band mates. Semalam, Azrul tatap mata Umi, nda lepas tatap mata Umi, but you didn't say any word Rul. Umi suapkan Azrul sedikit bubur semalam and I'm glad Azrul mau makan. I hope you're not mad at me anymore Rul. Lately ani Wafi pun getting better, inda lagi banyak query. I think he's beginning to understand how wonderful is our friendship Rul, walaupun Umi tau dan Wafi tau Azrul harapkan more than just friends.

Umi harap Azrul masih dapat terima Umi as a friend. I just don't want to hurt you Rul, you are just too kind to be hurt. I feel happy Azrul mau terima masa Umi suapkan bubur kemulut Azrul. I thought you'd never want to look at me again. But I feel thankful. Please get well soon Rul.

Love
Umi

Post 13

Lama Umi inda update blog Rul. Been busy, and for the past few days Umi was beside Azrul di hospital. Walaupun Fadil larang Umi ke hospital but I did jua Rul. I just want to see you. Azrul masih belum dapat bercakap and Azrul masih belum mahu lihat muka Umi. As if macam Umi inda exist dihadapan Azrul. But Umi terima Rul, I know Umi selalu sakitkan hati Azrul, mungkin ani balasan Umi. Umi harap satu hari Azrul akan mau terima Umi as a friend macam sediakala.

Azrul masih terlantar, belum dapat duduk, belum dapat bangun. Makan pun belum, only fed through tubes and menghirup air. Apart from your family, Fadil masih tetap setia melawat Azrul setiap hari. And also your band members Sham, Eddie dan Dani. Umi rindu dengar suara Azrul nyanyi dan main gitar. Get well soon Rul, supaya Azrul dapat beraksi semula, Umi mau lihat Azrul jamming macam dulu-dulu.

Umi masih ingat the first time Umi bawa Wafi ke garage Azrul tempat Azrul and band selalu jamming. That was the first time Azrul jumpa Wafi. I know I was wrong Rul, I know I am stupid. Umi tahu how Azrul feel towards me but Umi masih macam sengaja bawa Wafi kesana. Entah I dunno what was I thinking, Umi kejam kan Rul, Umi inda ada hati dan perasaan, Umi inda menjaga hati Azrul even though as a friend. Umi ingat that night Azrul and band main lagu Pupus made famous by Dewa. Umi tau Azrul sengaja main that song and dedicated that song to me. Azrul sang it penuh perasaan. I'm sorry Rul, Umi tau Azrul fed up with Umi. If Azrul should never want to talk to me again, I understand Rul, but for me, you will always be my friend

Love
Umi

Post 12

Hari ni Fadil gitau Umi yang Azrul sudah keluar from ICU and transferred to ward biasa. No longer on wires but masih lagi on drip coz Azrul need liquid. Azrul masih belum dapat angkat kepala or duduk, becakap pun masih belum dapat. I feel happy Rul. Thank God, Azrul recovery is speeding up, walaupun I still feel sad Azrul inda mau pandang muka Umi. I know you don't want to see me coz I always hurt you Rul.

I really want to see you Rul, but I don't want to hurt you by showing my face. Fadil understands the whole situation thats why ia inda suruh Umi lawat Azrul for the time being. I miss you Rul. No matter how Wafi cuba hiburkan hati Umi, tapi I can't stop thinking of you and what I have done to you before Rul.

I hope you will still accept me as a friend Rul.

Love
Umi

Post 11

I'm back home, Rul. Barutah Umi update this blog, I've been crying for the past few days, now pun masih bangkung my eyes Rul. I feel so depressed and guilty for everything that I have done to you. Last week when I reached home, I straight away called Fadil and he said Azrul sadar sudah, walaupun masih alum becakap, but Azrul sudah mula buka mata and look at people. And thank God, Azrul masih ingat dan kenal orang2 yang lawat Azrul walaupun respond dengan angguk or geleng saja.

Umi rushed to hospital to visit Azrul. I was so happy and excited to see you Rul. On the way to hospital, Umi senyum saja. But sampai di hospital, I suddenly felt sad and guilty Rul. The moment Azrul nampak Umi, Azrul palingkan muka dari Umi, Azrul tutup mata and tears fell from you eyes. Umi tau Umi selalu hurt you Rul sampai Azrul inda mau lihat muka Umi lagi. Rul, Umi minta ampun dan maaf Rul, I know a day before Azrul accident pun Umi sakitkan hati Azrul. Please forgive me.

Umi inda tau kan buat apa Rul, I wanted to see you and visit you but Fadil cakap jangan tah dulu. I miss you Rul. I just wanna be by your side and see you recover.

Love
Umi

Post 10

Hi Rul, Umi masih di KK, tomorrow will begin the journey home. Fadil said Azrul sudah mula buka mata slowly and sudah mula responding when nama Azrul dipanggil. I feel so happy Rul, I can't wait to see you once I return.

I can't write much Rul, internet connection disini so slow. Just wanna leave a note saja.

Love
Umi

Post 9

Hi Azrul, Umi masani di KK, it was a long trip yesterday, how I wish we traveled on an airplane. But well, Umi di KK sudah and now updating this blog from a cybercafe. I miss you Rul, I wonder how are you doing right now. Yesterday before tolak ke KK, Umi and Wafi ke hospital jap tengok Azrul. Azrul was sleeping, your mommy said Azrul belum fully sedar walaupun sudah mula gerakkan kepala & tangan.

And tadi Fadil text me, I am so happy to hear now Azrul is show more improvement, sudah mula buka mata sikit although masih between sedar & inda sedar. But at least it made me happy Rul. And I'm hoping to see Azrul in full consciousness once Umi return nanti. I can't wait to see you smile Rul, I know Azrul will smile when you see my face as always. Umi mau cium tangan Azrul, Umi banyak dosa arah Azrul, Umi mau minta maaf for hurting you always Rul. I just don't want to lose you coz you're my one and only best friend.

I can't be long Rul, mummy kan bawa shopping.

Love
Umi

Post 8

The moment Umi dapat message from Fadil, terus Umi rush ke hospital. Fadil gave me some good news, he said Azrul sudah mula gerakkan kepala dan tangan. I felt so happy, Azrul's condition mula nampakkan improvement. Umi text Wafi to let him know that I'm going to hospital and he only replied, 'Bah'. Well, lantak lah apa Wafi mau fikir. Umi masih upset with him after what he said yesterday. Now yang penting Umi mau Azrul sihat.

Sampai di ICU, Fadil bawa Umi masuk dalam ward while your mum and sis gave way to us. Daddy Azrul masih by your bedside, biasalah only 3 person allowed at one time. Yup Azrul mula pusingkan kepala kekiri dan kanan and at times trying to lift your hands, tapi Azrul masih belum sadar, but kadang2 Azrul groaning saja. Please get well soon Rul, please open your eyes. Please look at me, Umi setia tunggu Azrul. Please Rul, I don't want to hurt you anymore.

The rest of the day, my heart is full of hope. Umi rasa happy Azrul mula nampakkan signs of recovery. Fadil pun ceria semacam sja tadi. Wafi pun somehow nice to Umi today, maybe he felt guilty of what he said yesterday. Umi told him about Azrul's improvement and he said "Ah okay, that's good to hear." Umi inda tau if he was sincere or was just trying to ambil hati Umi. But at least Wafi tried to understand Umi, but Umi tau he's always jealous for you Rul.

Oh ya, Umi tomorrow have to go to KK Rul, Azrul pun tau kan Umi sudah plan this trip a long time ago with family. Mummy Umi ada plang cakap if Umi want to stay home, she don't mind. At least dapat lawat Azrul. Yes at first memang Umi thought of cancelling the trip, tapi Umi kesian my parents. They've been looking forward for this trip so I guess Umi just go for a while ok Rul. Lagipun Fadil promised to text Umi to update on Azrul's condition. Please get well soon Rul.

Love
Umi

Post 7

My dear Azrul. Kalau sekiranya takdir tentukan Azrul pergi selamanya, I just want you to know one thing Rul. Umi sayang Azrul, no matter what I care for you Rul. Umi inda tau apa lagi kan Umi luahkan disini. Petang tadi lawat Azrul, balik rumah Umi solat hajat dan baca Yassin, Umi doa supaya Allah selamatkan Azrul, Umi doa supaya Azrul sihat macam selalu. Lepas tu Umi cried and cried. Sampai ani pun mata Umi masih bengkak. Wafi tadi bawa jalan but Umi decline coz kan lawat Azrul, Umi told him Azrul semakin critical but instead he said "bah agatah tunggui tia Azrul atu, jangantah jalan with me." Makin tah hancur hati Umi Rul, Wafi inda faham about our friendship, salah Umi jua lah, dulu Umi told him how Azrul is in love with Umi.

Rul, I can't write much tonight Rul, mata Umi bengkak and pedih. Umi inda sanggup lihat Azrul in a critical condition, Azrul semakin lemah but doktor said Azrul is just in a deep rest. I hope durang bukan sekadar kan nyamankan hati saja. Umi sleep dulu ok Rul.

Love
Umi

Post 6

Last night I can't sleep Rul, I miss you. Umi kept on dialling your handphone yang forever unreachable. Memang pun Umi tau it's unreachable but sengaja Umi dial sekadar lepaskan rindu. Umi ingat we always miss call each other dulu, at least as a signal that we are doing fine in case tani lama inda jumpa. Umi masih ingat Azrul selalu send Umi good morning and good night messages. Then Wafi came into my life, bila Umi bagitau Azrul about Wafi, Azrul inda lagi send Umi morning and night messages. Umi tau hati Azrul hancur masatu. Umi tau Azrul sakit hati. Azrul pernah luahkan perasaan hati Azrul, but Umi rejected Azrul. Tau2 Umi bagitau Azrul that I'm in love with Wafi. Umi hancurkan hati Azrul, Umi kejam kan Rul?

But Azrul masih sudi terima Umi as a friend, Umi tau your feelings towards me never change Rul, not even a bit! The first time Azrul nampak Umi with Wafi masa Lisa's birthday party, Azrul jadi sugul and then menyendiri saja di balcony rumah Lisa. Umi masih ingat you didn't want to look at my face and into my eyes when Umi approached Azrul. Umi masih ingat tear droplets jatuh dari mata Azrul. I am sorry Rul, I know I hurt you bad. I made you cry Rul. Now it's my time to cry Rul, I just wish you can see my cry. I cried almost every night Rul, outside I may look happy, especially depan Wafi. If I should tell him everything about how I am feeling right now, Wafi will never understand, gerenti ia think negative tu.

Tadi Umi lawat Azrul after work. Umi cried lagi depan Fadil when he told me Azrul semakin critical, blood pressure makin lemah. Umi really really takut Rul. Fadil pun didn't talk much tadi, Umi tau Fadil pun susah hati. Yang Umi dapat buat masani ialah sembahyang and doa banyak2 supaya Azrul selamat. If sekiranya takdir Allah kan panggil Azrul semula pun, Umi mau lihat Azrul smile at me for one last time. Umi mau dengar Azrul cakap "Azrul sayang Umi" like I always hear before. Umi pun sayang Azrul, this time Umi mau say that to Azrul, and I want you to hear it Rul. You are my one and only best friend Rul.

I miss you so much Azrul

Love
Umi

Post 5

After work Umi lawat Azrul lagi tadi, this time without Wafi's knowledge. Lagipun Umi belum top-up credit. Fadil was there, somehow I respect Fadil. He is really your best friend Rul, everyday ia lawat Azrul, even lunchtime pun ia singgah lawat Azrul. Umi tau Fadil pun sedih and worried about you Rul. Condition Azrul today masih sama, cuma inda pucat macam yesterday, muka Azrul berseri and bersih walaupun facial hair growing, scruffy. I pray you get well soon Rul. I have a lot to talk with you.

Lepas tu, Umi dinner with Fadil tadi, we had a long talk inda terasa sampai pukul 8pm. Fadil told me everything about what Azrul always tell him about Umi. Umi rasa terharu, macam kan nangis ada jua but Umi tahan coz Umi inda mau nangis depan Fadil. Fadil told me how much Azrul sayang Umi, how Azrul hancur hati if Umi sakitkan hati Azrul. How Azrul sedih kalau lihat Umi sama Wafi. Fadil told me Azrul inda sanggup liat Umi sama Wafi. Everything Rul, Fadil told me everything. He said he's not supposed to tell plang but he said he need to tell me. I'm sorry Rul, I'm sorry for being selfish with my feelings.

Before balik tadi, Fadil said to me in a trembling voice, "Umi, if Azrul could not make it, please be there with him during his final moments." Umi cuma angguk. Me and Fadil bid farewell and after Fadil drove away, Umi menangis sepuas2nya dalam kereta ingatkan apa cakap Fadil tadi. Rul, I don't want that to happen Rul, Umi inda sanggup. I don't wanna lose you Rul. Please

Now Umi dirumah, I'm tired Rul, maybe too much crying tadi dalam kereta. I wanna rest dulu Rul, I'll try to visit you again tomorrow.

Love
Umi

Post 4

Umi nangis Rul. Tadi Umi lawat Azrul with Wafi, although he seem reluctant at first. After 2 days inda lihat Azrul, Azrul masih in the same condition, masih belum sadar, instead muka Azrul bertambah pucat. Inda Umi sanggup liat Azrul dalam keadaan cematu. I feel like wanna hug you tight tadi Rul, but I know I can't. Please Rul, get well soon, wake up soon Rul. Tadi Fadil cakap Azrul semakin tenat. I hate Fadil, he always tell me bad news Rul.



Rasanya Umi inda mau balik tadi from hospital, I just want to be by your side until you wake up Rul. I want to be the first face yang Azrul lihat the moment Azrul buka mata. I want to make you happy for once Rul, selama ani Umi selalu sakitkan hati Azrul saja. Umi tau hati Azrul hancur sudah. Umi kejam Rul!



On the way balik tadi, Umi diam saja, Wafi pun diam. Sampai at home, Umi terus masuk bilik and cried and cried and cried. Umi takut Rul. Really really takut, especially kalau ingatkan apa cakap Fadil tadi. Umi inda mau kehilangan Azrul. Azrul kawan Umi, Azrul satu-satunya tempat Umi mengadu kalau Umi ada problem. Azrul selalu hiburkan Umi kalau Umi sedih. Azrul selalu tolong Umi in everything, about life, about work, segalanya. Umi saja yang selalu inda appreciate Azrul. Forgive me Rul, please don't leave me.

Love
Umi

Post 3

Yesterday hari minggu, Umi inda lawat Azrul, coz Wafi bawa jalan-jalan. Wanted to go hospital and lawat Azrul but inda sempat coz Wafi bawa tengok Vantage Point. Umi tau Azrul suka action movies cemani, it was a good movie Rul, but I can't concentrate. Dalam kepala Umi ingatkan Azrul saja, wondering how is Azrul's condition masani. I pray your condition is improving Rul, but I text Fadil, he said Azrul still in the same condition. Terbayang badan Azrul kaku with wires and needles all over, sebak rasa Umi kalau kenangkan.

My dear Azrul, Umi masih ingat Azrul feel jealous kalau Umi mention pasal Wafi. Umi masih ingat Azrul cakap "I just want you to be happy, walaupun Azrul swallow the bitter pill." You're so sweet Rul, I respect you for having a strong love for me. Umi tau Umi selalu saja cerita pasal Wafi tempat Azrul walaupun Umi tau it will make Azrul jealous and hurt. Umi kejam kan Rul? Umi jahat! Umi selfish! Umi pentingkan diri sendiri! Tapi Azrul masih maintain, masih mampu tunjukkan kasih sayang Azrul arah Umi, masih mampu cium dahi Umi. Umi tahu Azrul sayangkan Umi, so much, too much! Umi didn't bother to appreciate how Azrul feel for me. Now sudah Azrul terlantar, baru Umi rasa tercari2. How I wish Azrul dapat baca everything yang Umi tulis in this blog. Please wake up Rul, so I can tell you, so I can show you this blog.

Today Monday, Umi busy banyak urusan. After work, Umi sound tempat Wafi kan minta bawa ke hospital lawat Azrul. But Wafi said, "Lagi?". Umi didn't say a word, malas kan argue lagi. Umi tau Wafi jealous, walaupun he tried to hide it and buat2 sporting, but apparently tadi when he said that, I saw his reluctance. I know Wafi jealous Rul, Umi tau Wafi dalam diam rasa uneasy coz Umi pun rapat sama Azrul. But he can't stop me Rul, Azrul is my friend, my close friend.

So Umi balik rumah saja tadi, kan drive ke hospital sendiri, but it was raining heavily. Azrul pun tau Umi takut drive kalau hujan, lagipun gerenti Wafi won't let me. I miss you Rul, I really miss you. Dua hari sudah inda lihat Azrul di hospital. Tadi Umi dial handphone Azrul, Umi tau Azrul won't be there to answer it, but Umi dial jua sekadar kan lepaskan rindu, lagipun it's unreachable jua. Esok no matter what Umi mesti lawat Azrul. I really want to be by the side of your bed and watch Azrul's improvement. Umi mau lihat Azrul buka mata. Please wake up Rul, I really miss everything about you. Umi mau minta maaf banyak2 tempat Azrul, Umi selalu sakitkan hati Azrul. Please forgive me Rul.

Wafi won't understand about our friendship Rul, dalam blog ani tah saja tempat Umi luahkan rasa hati Umi. Umi mau Azrul baca blog ani one day sudah Azrul sihat. Bangun tah Rul, Umi will wait. Umi mau minta ampun dan minta maaf. Umi ingat the last time tani jumpa was a day before Azrul accident. Azrul terus terang bagitau yang Azrul jealous kalau Umi cakap pasal Wafi. Umi cuma cakap "I'm sorry." Azrul tundukkan muka. Umi tau Azrul hampa, but after that Azrul pegang tangan Umi dan kiss dahi Umi before Azrul left. Rul, Umi can feel how much you love and care for me everytime you kiss my forehead Rul. But entah kenapa I can't accept you Rul, masih jua my heart tetap for my Wafi. Rul, I know my writings disini pun dapat sakitkan hati Azrul, but I just want you to know the confusion that I feel.

Please get well soon Rul, please.

Love
Umi

Post 2

Hari kedua Azrul di rawat di Intensive Care. Today Umi lawat Azrul with Mar and Lisa. Wafi kerja tadi but he gave me permission to visit Azrul. Azrul masih alum sadar, masih kaku on bed with respirator, wires and tubes all over. Kepala Azrul masih bandaged. Ramai yang lawat Azrul tadi, family, colleagues, kawan2. We all care for you Rul. Lama Umi tunggu giliran kan masuk ICU tadi coz only limited numbers are allowed inside, but thanks to Fadil who gave up his turn for Umi. Umi mula2 kan marah sama Fadil coz pasal Azrul berlumba with him lah Azrul dapat accident. Apparently Azrul bukan lumba with Fadil, but with someone else.

Azrul stubborn! Selalu sudah Umi cakap jangan berlumba lagi. Kenapa Azrul inda dengar cakap Umi? Umi tau Azrul speed demon, but Umi care for you Rul, Umi don't want Azrul jadi cemani. Why Rul? Azrul kadang macam inda sayangkan diri Azrul sendiri. Suka do things yang membahayakan diri. Why Rul? Kata Fadil, condition Azrul masih critical, doktor cakap 50/50. Kalau Azrul selamat pun, kata doktor mungkin Azrul hilang ingatan. Rasanya macam ada batu besar gugur atas kepala Umi when I hear apa Fadil cakap. Berat rasa kepala Umi, I cried again tadi Rul, in front of your family and friends. Why is this happening Rul? Lepas Maghrib tadi, durang sembahyang hajat for you Rul, doakan supaya Azrul pulih macam biasa.

Masih fresh in my mind, the last time we met Rul. It was just 3 days ago, Azrul and Umi lunch sama2. You were so cheerful that day Rul, I still remember how you smile and laugh. Then Wafi called me, I know that hurt you Rul, but Azrul maintain cool saja, but I can see that muka Azrul berubah. I'm sorry to make you jealous Rul. Umi tau how you feel for me, Umi tau Azrul sayangkan Umi sangat2, Azrul sanggup tunggu Umi, but apa boleh buat my heart is for Wafi. But Umi inda sanggup kehilangan Azrul. I still remember how Azrul kiss my forehead and my cheeks. I can feel your passion Rul, but Umi pun inda tahu kenapa hati Umi belum terbuka buat Azrul, instead, terbuka for Wafi instead.

After we had lunch, Azrul kiss dahi Umi, kiss pipi kanan Umi. You were so sweet Rul, to tell you honestly, Umi inda pernah kena buat cematu Rul, Umi inda pernah kena treat the way Azrul treated me. Umi pun inda faham kenapa hati Umi go for Wafi instead. He is a nice and loving guy, but you are different Rul! Walaupun Umi tahu Azrul jealous pasal Wafi called, but Azrul masih sudi treat Umi cematu. You really love me Rul, Umi pun sayangkan Azrul, but Umi pun inda tau kenapa Umi belum dapat terima Azrul. I'm confused!

Sudah 2 hari Azrul terlantar. Umi kecarian cerita Azrul, ketawa Azrul, senyum Azrul, everything about Azrul. Umi tau semasa Azrul sihat, Umi kadang2 buat Azrul macam nada sja, now sudah Azrul terlantar, baru Umi kecarian. Please wake up Rul, Umi mau Azrul baca blog ani, Umi mau Azrul tahu how I feel when you're not around. Please Rul. Umi can't help crying while writing this. Please get well soon Rul.

Love
Umi

Post 1

Umi baru balik dari hospital lawat Azrul, I feel so down and sad Rul! Tadi Umi inda dapat tahan dari menangis. Bejalan kan masuk ke ICU pun lemah lutut Umi, makin hampir ke katil Azrul makin kajar2 rasanya. The moment I saw badan Azrul inda berdaya atas katil, I can't help but break down and cry. Wafi tried to comfort me, but I can't stop crying. Inda sanggup rasanya meliat Azrul lying on bed with a respirator on you face, covered with wires and needles, bruises and bandages all over. That machine connected to your body Rul, I hate that machine! Apatah lagi when the beep beep sound got slow at times!

Rul, Umi inda sanggup liat Azrul dalam keadaan macam atu. I wanted to hug you Rul and cry puas2, but I know I can't, you seem to be in a delicate situation Rul, lagipun Wafi was with me and gerenti ia jealous tu kalau liat Umi peluk Azrul. No matter how understanding he is, I know masih ada perasaan jealous atu Rul. I should be grateful Wafi was willing to take me to hospital the moment we hear about the accident. Rul, you're a fast and reckless driver Rul! Selalu sudah Umi cakap tapi Azrul inda merati! I know Azrul belumba with Fadil lagi last night. Now what happen Rul?! Azrul stubborn! Inda merati!

I talked with your family tadi Rul, they said doktor cakap Azrul critical! Masani dalam coma. On the way balik tadi, I cried and cried lagi, Wafi pun inda tau kan buat apa lagi except hold my hands kuat2 sambil driving. Umi tau Wafi jealous but ia control his jealousy. Wafi tau yang Azrul sayangkan Umi so much, but Azrul pun tau kan yang Wafi is in my heart. Umi care for Azrul though, Umi pun sayang Azrul, but as a friend. Umi tau Azrul selalu buat Umi happy, tapi my heart is for Wafi. I'm sorry Rul, I'm glad Azrul understands.

Rul, I know I broke your heart. But thank you, Azrul masih mau terima Umi as a friend. I created this blog for you Rul, I hope you will read it one day udah Azrul sihat. I do care for you Rul, Umi sayangkan Azrul. Umi inda tau arah siapa kan Umi luahkan perasaan ani except in this blog. I can't talk to Wafi, karang merajuk ia. Rul, please wake up Rul! I pray for you! Now I miss your smile, Umi rindu chatting sama Azrul, rindu bersms sama Azrul. Now baru terasa yang Umi kecarian Azrul.

Please wake up Rul, please get well soon!

Love,
Umi